There are only three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are.
The first draft of anything is shit.
Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
Bash it out, then tart it up.
Compose with utter freedom and edit with utter discipline.
If vegetables are our friends then why do we eat them?
Do USB devices live in a country named Usbekistan?
Every hour wounds. The last one kills.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Cats are nature's way of telling you that you don't really matter.
Change is certain, progress is not.
Charm is getting what you want without asking for it.
Cheating: Playing by the rules they teach in business school.
Claiming mental bankruptcy is always an easy option.
E = mc2 -> Energy = Milk and Cookies Too!
Editor: Not talented enough to write. See: Critic.
Editor: One who makes a long story short.
Entropy needs no maintenance.
Every act of creation is first an act of destruction.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
One will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
The more interesting, the less likely to be true.
Galileo was wrong. The world revolves around me.
General notions are generally wrong.
General things are to be put before particular things.
The way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
Genetic Engineering: We bring good things to life.
Genetics explain why you look like your parents and, if you don't, why you should.
Genetics: proof that God gambles.
Genius has its limitations, but stupidity knows no bounds.
Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.
Gentlemen who prefer blondes usually marry brunettes.
Gentlemen, it appears to be unanimous that we cannot agree.
Geography is spreading all over the world.
Geography is just physics slowed down, with a few trees stuck in it.
Geometry does not teach us to draw these lines, but requires them to be drawn.
Get a life? I do have a life! It's full of nice humans ... ferengi, klingons and bajorans.
Get dressed before the space between us turns into tigers.
Get even ... with the people that have helped you.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
Getting people to like you is only the other side of liking them.
A sheep without legs is a cloud.
We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
If you cannot be a poet, be a poem.
The souls of heroes are forged by the gods and tempered with the pain of life.
Your characters should do something at the end they would never consider in the beginning.
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.
To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, elegant and wrong.
There ain't no right or wrong, its only real.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Money is made, gifts are given and respect is earned.
Failure is success if we learn from it.
I'd rather go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Knowledge without practice is useless. Practice without knowledge is dangerous.
Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it.
Either you run the day or the day runs you.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
The light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.
A smile is curve that sets everything straight.
Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.
The man who has no inner life is a slave to his surroundings.
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
There's nothing I'm afraid of like scared people.
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.
And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
An explanation has to stop somewhere.
They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.
You can bomb the world into pieces, but you can't bomb it into peace.
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Some see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.
Never assume the obvious is true.
It's never too late to have a good childhood.
Music is the poetry of the air.
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.
I will either find a way, or make one.
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
Insomnia is the triumph of mind over mattress.
Happiness is a place between too little and too much.
Happiness is not a destination. It is a way of traveling.
Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
Happy people don't make history.
Hated dogs ever since I went to a masquerade ball as a lamp post.
Have fun doing whatever it is you don't plan to do.
There are only as many days in the year as you make use of.
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
You can't have rainbow without a little rain.
The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right.
It's no coincidence that man's best friend cannot talk.
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
If it's not working, harder might not be the answer.
Don't argue with the idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one.
A diplomat can tell you to GO TO HELL in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.
If things seem under control, you are just not going fast enough.
I have a lot of bad habits ... but i think there is still room for more.
I'm not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.
My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
If I had an hour left to live, I would spend it in this class because it feels like eternity.
It is not that dog does not learn new tricks because he is old. He is old because he does not learn new tricks.
When the solution is simple, God is answering.
If a window of opportunity appears, don't pull down the shade.
A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner.
The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
You would worry less about what people think if you knew how little they did.
Inspiration is that state in which mind and heart are connected.
When you are going through hell, keep moving.
A sign of a celebrity is that his name is often worth more than his services.
The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
What would we do with peacefulness if there were no storms?
Just because it worked doesn't mean it works.
Just because something is a metaphor doesn't mean it can't be real.
Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
Just because you look stupid doesn't mean you're not.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Sometimes the dragon wins.
Kicking your computer doesn't hurt your enemy.
Last night our sex was so good, the neighbors lit cigarettes.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.
Nobody notices when things go right.
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
Speak only if you can improve the silence.
Rembrandt painted about 700 pictures, of which only 3,000 are still in existence.
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.
Go the extra mile. It's never crowded.
Fat or skinny, when you are dead, the difference is for carriers.
1f u c4n r3ad th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d.
Reality is where the pizza delivery guy comes from.
TV is gooder than books.
Tongue pierthing ith thtupid.
In Hell, the Devil is a positive character.
The best things in life are not things.
If cats could talk, they wouldn't.
Eagles don't flock.
I'm not good in empathy. Will you settle for sarcasm?
Man must choose whether to be rich in things or in the freedom to use them.
Man of Steel hates industrial electromagnets.
Man piss in wind, wind piss back.
Man shall not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.
Man who fishes in other mans well catches crabs.
Mankind differs from the animals only by a little, and most people throw that away.
Manuals come out after all possible keystrokes fail.
Many are clothed but few are dressed.
Many more people commit suicide using cigarettes than guns.
Many people confuse bad management with destiny.
Many people discovered America. Columbus had a press conference.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Died at 30. Buried at 60.
Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
Mathematics is the language God used to write the universe.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Maturity of mind is the capacity to endure uncertainty.
May I buy less government please?
Maybe carrots will give me sharp eyes, but what if they also give me long floppy ears?
Maybe the hole in the ozone layer came from the outside?
Medicine: the art of amusing the sick until nature heals them.
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve it's dignity.
Memories come rushing up to meet me now.
Memory is the 2nd thing to go. I can't remember the 1st.
Men are like bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
Men are like copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it.
Men don't care what's on TV. They care what else is on TV.
What I like in a good author is not what he says, but what he whispers.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.
It takes half your life before you discover life is a do-it-yourself project.
The best place to find a good helping hand is at the end of your own arm.
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
It's not that I'm always partying, I just don't take pics while I'm studying.
You never realize how much you can do in a minute till you put something in the microwave.
Until I was 9, I thought my name was Shut Up.
Kidnapping is a strong word ... I like to think of it as a surprise adoption.
Wow! I've just seen a unicorn with a supernumerary horn! Hum ... Right, you can call it a cow.
People who say money can't buy happiness don't know where to shop.
If strippers are now called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
I don't need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.
If tomatoes are a fruit, doesn't that make ketchup a smoothie?
I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Makeup is for pussies. I will be a pussy tomorrow.
A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. I've never driven a bus before.
Modern tragedy ... Dumb people with smart phones.
If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
Please don't talk while I'm trying to interrupt you.
If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass.
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means, it's not the end of the world!
Some are considered brave, because they're just too lazy to run away.
Obey gravity! It's the law.
Objects are closer than they appear.
Objects are lost only because people look where they are not rather than where they are.
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
Of all the people I know - I'm who I want to be.
Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.
I've never gotten myself into a situation I couldn't drink my way out of.
Of course I can handle a crisis!  Heck, I create them.
Of course I love you. To a certain extent.
Of course there's a sound. The beaver it squashed heard it!
The problem with illustrating the whole universe is, when shading, where do you draw the light source from?
A lie can get halfway around the world before the truth can even get its boots on.
If mummies are from Egypt, where do daddies come from?
Parachute for Sale! Used only once, never opened, small stain.
Patience is the ability to countdown before blasting off.
Pedestrian: The most approachable chap in the world.
People are calling me a hypochondriac, and let me tell you, that makes me sick.
People are opposed to fur more than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
People seldom plan to fail, but they often fail to plan.
People tell me I'm weird. I tell 'em I can't afford to be eccentric.
People believe anything if you whisper it.
People don't know what they like, but they like what they know.
People who jump off bridges in Paris are in Seine.
Perfect Secretary: one who never misses a period.
Progress is useless, unless it is in the right direction.
Promotion's like marijuana - the harder you suck the higher you get.
Properly trained, a human can be dog's best friend.
If we are what we eat, cannibals are the only normal people.
If you can't fix the breaks, make your horn louder.
I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer tells me when I forget.
Laziness is nothing more than the handy habit of resting before you get tired.
Numerology: state-of-the-art random number generator.
Trying to forget someone you truly love is like trying to remember someone you've never met.
69% of people will find something crude or sexual in any given sentence.
I've been wearing this t shirt for two weeks now, and it still smells as good as it did when I found it on the street.
Sarcasm (n.) - the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
Life is too short to remove USB safely.
We have 154 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell are you.
Hope is great. We need caffeine.
I'm guessing the person who decided to call it 'common sense' didn't know that many people.
I bet I could stop gambling.
Dear lady in front of me, it is a speed bump, not a freaking land mine.
Twitter: the only place where you get excited when stranger follows you.
The older I get, the older old is.
Every good story starts with: "Well ... we were drunk ...".
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Levels of Insanity: 1. talks to self, 2. argues with self, 3. looses argument with self, 4. is no longer talking to self.
Rehab is for quitters.
Deadlines: The only reason anything gets done.
The doorbell is my Jurassic Park T-Rex. If I hear it, I don't move.
I asked God for a bike, but i knew God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Our universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons.
Dear life, when I said: "can my day get any worse", it was a rhetorical question not a challenge!
If you torture the data long enough, it will confess.
Bad decisions make great stories.
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
-You're fat. -It runs in my family. -Mate, no one runs in your family.
A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the Calendar says WTF.
If time is money... is ATM a time machine?
A retrosexual: (noun) a person who had a lot of sex sometime in the past.
Quality minded witches use spell checkers.
Quantity is inversely proportional to quality.
Quantum physics predicts the past with 80% accuracy.
Question Authority and the Authorities will question you.
Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust?
Pick a letter from 1 to 1000.
REDNECK: Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
REDNECK: You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can ride in the truck too.
REDNECK: You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
REDNECK: Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Random order is an oxymoron.
Read the new book "Why Cars Stop" by M.T. Tank
Read the new book "I Didn't Do It!" by Ivan Alibi
Reading, writing. Who cares about arithmetic?
Limits: something genius has, but stupidity doesn’t.
Echo: a really bad sign when you call for help.
Wealth: the only difference between weird and eccentric.
The one and only obstacle that is preventing me to follow my dreams is my alarm clock.
Ladies, being married is like being single but with some dude who wanders around your apartment.
SDS: Sort of Do Something
SHORTEST BOOK: How To Win Friends When You Still Smell Like Crap
SHORTEST BOOK: In Chase Of The American Dream, by Fidel Castro
SHORTEST BOOK: Sylvester Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips
SHORTEST BOOK: Successful Experiments In Cohabitation With Piranhas
SHORTEST BOOK: The Complete Guide To Composing And Playing Rap Music
SHORTEST BOOK: Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation
Satan: The monster under the bed, for adults.
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.
Say nothing and they think you are stupid. Talk and they know for sure.
Schrodinger's cat? Well maybe I've seen it and maybe I haven't.
Science asks How. Philosophy ask Why. And cats don't care much.
Science is for those who learn; poetry, for those who know.
The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.
According to my neighbor's journal, I have "boundary issues."
I like the way you move. Away from me.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Migraine makes you wish you had a headache.
Girlfriends are like swimming pools. I don't have one.
I am so poor I can't pay attention.
I am so poor I open my Gmail account just to eat the spam.
I am so poor, when I hear about the last supper I grab my wallet and check for food stamps.
I am so poor, when someone rings the doorbell I lean out of the window and say "Ding Dong!".
I am so poor, I eat cereal with a fork to save milk.
Mirrors should come preloaded with Photoshop.
You know you're in love when you cannot fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If you give Shakespeare a typewriter, eventually he will write Monkey.
Just finished reading the fifth book in the "Learning to count" trilogy.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
My Christmas tree was too big for the car so I had to cut the top off. I always wanted a convertible anyway.
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
Wisdom doesn't always come with age. Sometimes age just shows up by itself.
My hotel room was so small that I turned out the light and was in bed before it was dark.
What's a good gift for a homeopath? An empty box with the memory of the chocolates it once contained.
Worrying is like rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
The nice thing about living in a small town is if I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
Yo yo. A 6 year old's wish list or two gang members talking.
I have a black eye in karate.
To err is human. To blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?
My brother was a victim of his own success. His trophy cabinet collapsed on him.
Someday, the machines will rise up and shrink all of our favorite shirts.
My chiropractor said I needed a posture alignment but I think she was just pulling my leg.
Carpe Diem is Latin for Seize the day. Anybody know the Latin for Throw it back?
Before I lose my temper I always count to zen.
Decimal point: the only bad thing about your seven-figure salary.
I hope my travel mug tells stories to all my stay-at-home dishes.
Real men don't waste their hormones growing hair.
The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of wonder.
I love my six pack so much that I protect it with a layer of fat.
Temper: the first thing you lose on any diet.
A professional writing tool is like a scalpel, not like a Swiss army knife.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
I beat my chess opponent in 5 moves. With a baseball bat.
I'm on the 'Starts Tomorrow' diet.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
A married man should forget his mistakes. No point in two people remembering them.
What do we want? Time travel. When do we want it? It's irrelevant.
Dear Heart, please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood. That's it.
I just made my hamster a strong coffee. I don't want him falling asleep at the wheel.
I can always count on you to be totally unreliable.
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.
I'm getting pretty nervous about my statistics exam. I think I've got a 40:40 chance of passing.
The closest I get to multitasking is ignoring more than one thing at a time.
My biggest problem with the younger generation is I'm not in it.
Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
Things are so uneventful lately that when I die, I'm hoping someone else's life gets flashed before my eyes.
I'm not very influential. Last time I pulled some strings my sweater unraveled.
I'm looking at my laughter lines and thinking ... what was ever that funny?
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga.
I think that we can call agree that the best way to load the dishwasher is the way you do it.
You should never fear what you don't know. That's why I'm not afraid of anything.
Optimism: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Pessimism: Where there’s a will, someone died.
We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go.
You remind me of somebody I don't want to know.
A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
Ask not what the country can do for you, ask: Where the hell's the Cayman Islands and how else can I avoid our tax laws?
I used a toilet after her and our bodily fluids mixed. Does that mean we just had sex?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Vegas is an amazing place. I came to visit in a thirty thousand dollar car and left in a two hundred thousand dollar bus.
The only problem I've ever had with my phone is you calling it.
When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you're supposed to be doing something else.
I always start my diet on the same day ... tomorrow.
My doctor says he thinks I'm having a mid-life crisis. I was so surprised I nearly fell off my skateboard.
Of course we can be friends! Just not with each other.
I’m not saying my dad didn’t love me, but he did like to watch my birth video backwards.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Odd how all the intelligent life finding instruments are pointed away from Earth.
I'm the type of person who gains weight just by looking at the pie that I'm finishing.
Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.
The Old are useless so make yourself useful.
If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Somewhere between the blah blah blah and the yadda yadda, you've got a point there.
Jesus loves you. But everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
You don't need a parachute to sky dive. You only need it to sky dive twice.
Evening news is where they begin with good evening and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in your fruit salad.
If I agreed, we'd both be wrong.
I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub. Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the pub to my house.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.
I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.
I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses ... especially if they're empty.
If you get with me you will be (Mg,Fe)7Si3O22(OH)2
We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.
Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
You don't even know what you don't know.
Before going on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
The best way to predict the future is to create it.
When I said "how stupid can you be" it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
9 months before I was born, I went to this awesome party with my dad, and I left with my mom.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If a homeopath drowns in the ocean, does the world get cured of bullshit?
This match won't light. Which is weird because it did this morning.
A newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
When an Agnostic dies, does he go to the Great Perhaps?
When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong or absolutely right.
What I need is the ability to run futures.
I like nature as much as most people, but if a bit of it gets into my house you can be damn sure I'm gonna kill it.
Ten: Number of fingers children have. Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.
If life gives you lemons ... a simple operation can give you melons.
If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies very quietly.
The boss just put me in charge of obeying him.
Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
Some people have 18 bumper stickers, because they don't know which one holds the car together.
My new boyfriend is allergic to my cat so I can't keep him. Vaccinated, not too hairy, 31, has a job.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Merry Crisis and Happy New Fear.
Dear Santa, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body. And please don't mix up the two like you did last year.
A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
True friends do not judge each other. They judge other people together.
Shoepidity: wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.
WARNING: The consumption of beer may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
When I said I wanted to live life in the fast lane, I didn't mean the one with oncoming traffic.
It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.
It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Want a new monitor? Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ with a very sharp object.
Gas prices aren't really that bad when you remember that you're essentially buying badass dinosaurs in liquid form.
I'm sorry I got angry and said a lot of things I meant but shouldn't have said.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Now that I'm older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it.
Once upon a time, 3 witches wished 3 wishes but which witch knows which witch wished which wish?
Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.
I just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.
I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.
Unless you fell off the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Alcohol and drugs is never the answer, unless the question is, "what are you doing this weekend?"
Design is like a fart. If you have to force it, it is probably shit.
Early mornings are great for spending time with the family. Then they spoil it by waking up.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
The cool part about naming your kid is you don't have to add 6 numbers to make sure the name is available.
My boyfriend thinks that I'm a stalker ... Well, he's not exactly my boyfriend yet.
Of all thew possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with, how did 2 sticks win out?
Data ≠ Information ≠ Knowledge ≠ Wisdom ≠ Truth
Everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.
Whoever said the pigs can't fly has obviously never seen a blue helicopter.
Body language tells us a lot. For example, my neighbor doesn't like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Adult: a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.
Having sex in elevators is wrong on so many levels.
A subject and a verb walk into a bar. They have a disagreement. They walks out.
I'm great in bed. I can sleep for hours like a baby.
I've never been married, but I've had a few near-Mrs.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows it.
If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Make me One with Everything. Said Zen Master to the hot dog vendor.
The Anonymous Procrastinators meeting has been postponed until further notice.
The speed of time is approximately one second per second.
The Universe is under no obligation to make sense.
The best way to accelerate your old computer: -9.8 m/s²
The best way to a man's heart is an axe through the sternum.
The best way to avoid growing old is not to be born so soon.
Money can't buy happiness, but it's much more comfortable crying in a Mercedes Benz than on a bike.
Alcohol isn't the answer, but it does help you forget the question.
Roses are grey. Violets are grey. I'm a dog.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Do you want me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome!
Last words: "Hold my beer and watch this ..."
Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you.
Drunk drivers run stop signs ... stoned drivers wait for them to turn green.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
Laughter cures but my insurance would only cover giggles, chuckles and snickers.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
My kids have my wife's hair. The sink has mine.
Promises are a bit like babies ... Fun to make but hard to deliver.
Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Which is why I keep all the people in my house locked up.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Just once I want someone to exclaim, "You brilliant son of a bitch!" ... without omitting the "brilliant".
Girls stop developing feelings for me around the same time they see me for the first time.
So what are these second dates everyone keeps talking about?
It's not that I need to manage my anger, it's that other people need to manage their stupidity.
Some people say I'm random. But who cares, chocolate is amazing.
I'm in my bed, you're in yours. One of us is obviously in the wrong place.
You're about as useful as the 'g' in 'Lasagna.'
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
I'm great in bed. I always stay on my side and I never steal the covers.
The customer is always right. As long as they still have some money left.
This long distance relationship is killing me. I’m moving my fridge to my room.
I wish sharks knew that were really love them and that we dedicate a week to them.
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.
Whenever you fall, I'll be there for you. -Floor.
A good education is pretty important, but I think that being good looking might be more importanter.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.
Whenever I get a headache, I like to take two Aspirin and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Dear Virgin Olive Oil, you're a slut ... Sincerely, Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a beautiful day.
When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I just sleep in until noon, because I'm a problem solver.
The divorce rate among socks is astonishing.
Thoughts become words become actions become habits become character becomes your destiny.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
If you can't say it in 50 characters, then don't bother.
Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago.
If you can't make it good, make it big.
If at 1st you don't succeed, call it Ver.1
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
At a nude wedding everybody can see who the best man is.
If it's useful, it's copyright (c)
And God said: E = mc2, and there was light!
I would strongly oppose apathy, if I cared...
Difference between virus & windows? Viruses never fail!
Are you a Klingon, or is that a turtle on your head?
The world is coming to an end. Please log-off.
Colors, that's all what I need.
Chance of fog and occasional falling hamsters until noon.
Why does free love cost so much?
Take a cannibal to lunch.
Lord, give me patience, but make it quick!
Processing endless loop ... please wait!
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I'm lost, but I'm still making pretty good time!
I'm just here for moral support. Ignore the gun.
If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
Without time everything would happen at once.
I never let school interfere with my education!
Insufficient IQ! Replace person and strike any key!
Of course I know Braille, :.::: ::..: ::.::.  :..:
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Vegetarians eat vegetables. I'm a Humanitarian.
Every Rose has its Thorn.
Smile! Tomorrow will be worse...
Time-it's what keeps everything from happening at once.
Each day a day goes by.
God must to love idiots, he made so many of them.
There are no perfect acts. Only perfect intentions.
Live now, there is plenty of time to be dead later.
No real problem has a solution.
If you believe in God, then you believe in the Devil.
I DIDN'T FORGET !!!! I just can't remember.
God is real, unless declared integer.
I am patient! Really! Why can't you understand???!
Did anyone notice, that life is shorter every day?
Instant idiot. Just add alcohol.
3 kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't.
Age is never important, unless you're a wheel of cheese.
I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
If idiots could fly, this would be an Airport!
1 + 2 = 3; Therefore, 4 + 5 = 6.
Nobody is perfect! Well, I'm a nobody...
My mind is closed so my body speaks.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
A satisfied virgin is a virgin no longer.
Stay patient. They are coming!
Are you a schizo? If so, that makes four of us.
Count to ten - then panic.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Black Holes were created when God divided by zero.
Chocolate is a serious thing.
If your parents never had sex neither will you.
Standards are wonderful. So many to choose from.
The bank just called and asked would you like any money?
I'd be a narcissist, but I'm way too ugly.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I love my job. It's the work I can't stand.
There is more now than ever before.
God bless atheism.
I tried to drown my problems but they can swim.
Anything that happens, happens.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
Roads? Where we're going, we don't need ROADS!
Make war, not love. It's safer.
A closed mouth collects no foot.
I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.
REVERSE() in progress. Prepare to become young again.
I am atheist. Thank God.
Minds, like parachutes, work best when open.
Bore: A person who has nothing to say and says it.
I've told you fifty thousand times, stop exaggerating!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry you have me mistaken for someone who gives a shit!
Sorry, can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.
Most common elements in universe: Hydrogen and Stupidity.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
. <-- Grain of Salt. Take as needed with above advice.
Easy is easy to say.
I think the word you are looking for is AAAARRRRRGGGHH.
Today is canceled due to lack of interest!
Kill em all, Let God Sort em OUT!
Two beer or not two beer. (ShakesBeer)
A KGB keyboard has no ESC key!
A big enough hammer fixes anything.
A bore is a man who, when asked how he is, tells you.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clean desk is a sure sign of a sick mind.
A clear conscience is usually the result of bad memory.
A closed mouth catches no feet.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without sunshine is like...night.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A farmer is always going to be rich next year.
A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
A long dispute means both parties are wrong.
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away ...
A mistake is proof that someone tried anyhow.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A truly wise person knows that he knows not.
A warm beer is better than no beer at all.
Alaskan nights are 3 months long, can I sleep late?
All Generalizations Are False, Generally!
All is true given the right premises.
All reality is aspect dependent.
All rules have exceptions - except the ones that don't.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone.
Always say no and you'll never be married.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Life is too important to be taken seriously!
6.9 - a good thing ruined by a period.
Is there life before death?
You're not paranoid if they're really after you.
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
Don't trouble troubles because they will trouble you!!
Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Did you take a shower? There seems to be one missing.
Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder.
He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news.
Being a point is quite pointless.
It's a beautiful day for a global conflict.
Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Don't step on my keybalgja:b'  Bad kitty! No Biscuit!
Piss, brothers, piss. (or was it peace??)
The brain is rational, the mind may not be.
Life's a piece of shit, and then you die.
Everyone has photographic memory, some don't have film!
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I'm not a complete idiot. Several parts are missing.
Any certainty is a delusion.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A lie that can be passed off as truth becomes truth.
A wise man once said ... I don't know ...
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Cut my pizza in six slices, please; I can't eat eight.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Does history record any case where a majority was right?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high.
Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
Hard work never killed anyone but why take a risk?
Help! I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
Her last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
I don't want to think. I just want to be.
I had a handle on life, but it broke.
I hate making predictions, especially about the future!
I know so little, but I know it fluently.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money.
I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.
I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met.
I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am.
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I'm too skeptical to deny the possibility of anything.
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If Q was female, would he be called O?
If at first you don't succeed, try skydiving ...
If it ain't broke, break it and charge for repair.
If it works, rip it apart and find out why!
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
Illiterate? Write for a free brochure!
Insanity is just a state of mind.
It is fatal to live too long.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Life - brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Little boats should keep near the shore.
Man looks into the abyss, and sees himself.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Miracle owes its origin to the negation of thought.
My other vehicle is a galaxy class starship.
Pets: pure love contained in soft packages.
Prejudice is the reason of fools. Voltaire.
Quick! Close your mind!! Something might get in.
Rainy days and automatic weapons get me down ...
Second star to the right and straight on till morning.
Show me a sane man. I'll cure him for you.
Support wildlife, throw a party.
The best defense is to stay out of range.
The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
The future is like the present, only longer.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
The irony of life is that no one gets out alive.
The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
There is no gravity. The earth sucks!
There is one God, but which one is He?
Things are not as bad as they seem - they're worse.
Time takes time.
Truth is just another misconception.
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been Here
What's shorter then a weekend? A Vacation.
When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!
When I was a kid, I was an imaginary playmate.
When all else fails, blame it on the guy next to you!
When all else fails, take a nap!
When in doubt, mumble.
When you discover you are dead, avoid driving a car.
Who the Dickens wrote "Oliver Twist", anyway?
Why are apartments so close together?
Why is "easy listening" so hard to listen to?
With every wish there comes a curse.
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
You cannot kill time without assaulting eternity.
You're never a loser until you quit trying.
You're twisted, perverted, & sick. I like that!
Your statement fully describes the situation partially.
The day we stop looking, the day we die.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Can't learn to do it well? Learn to enjoy doing it badly!
If you try to be too sharp, you will cut yourself.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Don't blame me, I'm having a blonde moment.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
All the easy problems have been solved.
All things are green unless they are not.
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Do fish get thirsty?
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.
Time flies like the wind; fruit flies prefer bananas.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Freedom defined is freedom denied.
I tried to think but nothing happened.
It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end.
There's someone in my head, but its not me.
All the world's a stage, and I missed rehearsal.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Assumption is the mother of all screwups.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Fact is solidified opinion.
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
It is better to be brief than boring.
Forgiveness is easier to get than permission.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.
When in doubt, think.
Evolution doesn't take prisoners.
A Democrat: too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist.
A Friend In Need Always Finds Your New Phone Number.
A Husband who gets breakfast in bed, is in the Hospital.
A Woman's place is in the House, Senate and Oval Office.
A banker will lend you money only if you can prove you don't need it.
A barbecue often cooks steaks rare and fingers well-done.
A brain is worth little without a tongue.
A car tried to occupy the same spacetime as mine.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.
A classic is a book highly praised yet never read.
A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget about it."
A dream is a postcard from your subconscious.
A fault recognized is half corrected.
A goal is a dream with a deadline.
A good breakfast is worth waiting all night for.
A good day is when shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.
A good time to keep you mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
A hidden flaw never remains hidden.
A hole is nothing, but you can break your neck in it.
A hug is a handshake from the heart.
A leader is best when people barely know that he exists.
A liar needs a good memory.
A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.
A man who would move a mountain must begin by carrying away a stone.
A pen and paper are all you need to create a new world.
A pessimist is a well informed optimist.
A poor man is one who gets his money by earning it.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye.
A sharp tongue and a dull mind are often found in the same head.
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships were built for.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic.
A skeptic is a person who would ask God for his ID card.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
A stiff apology is a second insult.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
A sufficiently advanced god would use evolution.
A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly.
A wise old man once told me never to listen to a wise old man.
Advertising is legalized lying.
All people smile in the same language.
Always drive slower than your guardian angel can fly.
Always forgive you enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
An endless loop keeps going and going and going and going and going and
An error becomes a mistake only when you refuse to correct it.
Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows.
Be careful of what you dream, it might come true.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which one you need more.
Being in debt is one way of proving that is possible to have less than nothing.
Best way to stop a runaway horse: Place a bet on it.
Better days are coming, they are called Saturday and Sunday.
Better to swim in Fantasy than sink in Reality.
Beware the small creatures for they have the sharpest teeth.
Books on claustrophobia? In that little room over there.
Build a better mousetrap and along will come better mice.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Capitalism is what people do if you leave them alone.
Capitalism: Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse.
Careful. I know Karate and a few other foreign words ...
Don't try to eat where they don't want to feed you.
Cat is a dog with an attitude problem.
Dead fish go with the flow.
Decisions terminate panic.
Evolution is a God's way of issuing updates.
Happiness is a sensation arising from misery of others.
Deodorant: the lazy man's shower.
Did somebody pee in your gene pool?
Diet is a period of starvation followed by rapid weight gain.
Difficulty lies not in new ideas, but giving up the old ones.
Disaster often rests closely to success.
Do I believe in the Bible? Hell yes, I've seen one!
Do artificial plants need artificial water?
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not look in laser with remaining eye.
Dogs come when called. Cats have answering machines.
Doing nothing is the hardest work of all. No breaks, no days off.
Doing what you like is freedom; liking what you do is happiness.
Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper!
Don't quit until you find someone to blame.
Don't stand between a dog and his fire hydrant.
Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it.
Don't wear earmuffs in a land of rattlesnakes.
Dragons aren't extinct, they've just learned to hide in fantasy books.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Even a small star shines in the darkness.
Even dead fish can swim down stream.
Even if I'm not asleep, it doesn't mean I'm awake.
Ever argue with yourself and lost?
Every exit is an entrance into something else.
Every possibility exists somewhere as a Shadow of the real.
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has the right to be ugly, but some abuse the privilege.
Everyone is of some use, if only to set a bad example!
Experience is something you get after you need it.
Fairy Tale: a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Fame is chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment.
Famous Last Words: it's perfectly safe. Let me show you.
Famous Last Words: nothing can penetrate this armor.
Famous Last Words: trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Fear of death is the beginning of slavery.
Fear of monsters attracts monsters.
Few things are as painful as the truth realized too late.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Fight against violence!
First cross river, then insult alligator.
Fundamentalist libraries only need shelf space for one book.
Given enough time, even the unlikely happens.
God can't alter history, so he created historians.
Good is not good enough where better is expected.
Half of conversation is listening.
Hate your life? Don't worry, it will eventually go away by itself.
Did you forget to pay your brain bill?
He who is ashamed of asking is afraid of learning.
Hear twice before you speak once.
How long before we're as dumb as computers?
I always have too much month left at the end of my money.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell that cannot.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
I do not like any of my loved ones.
I do what the little voices tell me to.
I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food.
I don't miss deadlines, I ignore them.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
I hate mornings. They start too early in the day.
I have no fear, for my teddy bear is near!
I hope I get what I want before I stop wanting it.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I often sleep like a baby. I wake at 2, 4 and 6 AM.
I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.
I used to have a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before we met.
I'm taking small doses of reality to build up immunity.
I'm waiting for ignition, I'm looking for a spark.
If 99 million people say a dumb thing, it's still dumb.
If I hadn't believed it, I never would have seen it.
If I were any lazier, I would slip into a coma.
If Noah had been wise he would swatted one of those two flies.
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If all goes well, you've overlooked something.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If everything is part of the whole, what is the whole part of?
If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go.
If it is the tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it seems to good to be true! It is.
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want so much of it?
If the bowl is empty, the cat is full.
If the data doesn't fit the theory, fix the data.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Hand Grenade is not your friend.
If you can dream it, it can be done.
If you can't be right, be wrong as loud as you can.
If you can't live with the answer, don't ask the question.
If you're losing the game, change the rules.
Imagination is more important than intelligence.
In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds.
In an infinite universe, anything is possible.
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
Instinct is often far more reliable than logic.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sex
Just because it worked doesn't mean it works.
Just when you idiot-proof it, along comes a better idiot.
Law of holes: when you're in one, stop digging!
Last minute is always the most productive!
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
Law of Supply: It's yours if you don't need nor want it.
Love gets too complicated when you involve a second person.
Men play the game. Women keep the score.
Monday is soon coming to a calendar near you.
Money is a good servant, but a dangerous master.
Money is my middle name, first name Ihaveno, last name Left.
Money isn't everything, usually it isn't even enough.
My attorney knew the Law but her attorney knew the Judge.
Cat warriors carry the gun with nine bullets.
I'm afraid. My computer just called me Dave.
NASA is smart? They count backwards!
Never do tomorrow what you can put off today.
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Never eat the last cookie.
Never yell, "Hi, Jack!" on an airplane.
No amount of planning can ever replace dumb luck.
Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Nuns are married to God? If they divorce do they get half the universe?
On average, each person has one testicle.
Redundancy: An air bag in a blonde's car.
Remember that a kick in the butt may equal a step forward.
Revenge is a dish best eaten cold.
Reality is for people who can't handle computers.
Some days you're a bug, other days a windshield!
Remarriage after divorce is the triumph of hope over experience.
Great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Right theory, wrong universe.
Rules are guidelines to the wise, laws to the fool.
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom.
Since we all move so slow, why is it called rush hour?
Santa only comes once a year, too bad for him.
Sarcasm is giving a sharp edge to a blunt truth.
Science asks How, Philosophy ask Why, Nature doesn't give a Shit.
Science has made many advances, but none so far with women.
Secret of Electronics: keep the smoke in the wires.
Seven-course meal: a hot dog and a six-pack.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Sex is like an obscure joke, some get it, some don't.
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall.
She poured sugar in the gas tank of my heart!
Shut him up or shut him down!
Sign seen in bathroom: "We aim to please; you aim too, please!"
Since she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?
Some are wise and some others are otherwise.
Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written.
Some days the only good thing on TV is the sleeping cat.
Some people call me a pain in the neck; others have a lower opinion.
Squirrel: Just a tree rat with a good PR agent.
Takes many nails to build a crib, but just one screw to fill it.
Success is more than knowing how. It's knowing when.
Taking criticism is a prerequisite to success.
Telepath needed. You know where to apply!
That's fine in practice, but it'll never work in theory.
The best way out of difficulty is through it.
The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas.
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
The color of truth is grey.
The first bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
The less things change, the more they stay the same.
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually the oncoming train.
The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.
The love we give away is the only love we keep.
Unwritten laws can not be erased.
Use soft words, and hard arguments.
Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Veni Vidi Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
Want to own a small business? Buy a big one and wait.
We are immortal, but only for a very limited time.
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
I missed you! I'll aim better next time.
We most firmly believe what we least know.
What do you mean I always answer a question with another question?
What is written without effort is read without pleasure.
When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion.
When they come for your guns, give 'em the bullets first.
When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target.
Why can't the women put the toilet seat back up?
A Blueberry is purple, except when green it is red.
A fact is anything you can convince someone else to believe.
A Man of the 60s. A Child of the 80s.
A Meteor is an example of a rock star.
A Nihilist orders a hotdog: Make me one with nothing.
A Nobel Peace Prize? I would kill for one of those.
A Poor Man: One who has nothing but money.
A Racetrack is where windows clean people.
A bachelor is a hunter that never Mrs.
A battle avoided cannot be lost.
A big enough gun will adjust any attitude.
A bird in a bush is better than one above your head.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A blond can be poor at history, and great on dates.
A blond saw a sign that said WET CEMENT - So she did.
A book in the hand is worth two on the shelf.
A book worth banning is a book worth reading.
A brain is worth little without a tongue.
A butterfly is a self-propelled flower.
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
A cannibal pizza - with everybody.
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
A conclusion is where you get tired of thinking.
A crowded elevator smells different to short people.
A cult is a religion whose leader isn't dead yet.
A curved line is the loveliest distance between 2 points.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
A dog wags its tail with its heart.
A double negative is an affirmative.
A Stealth Fighter? Oh yeah... I'll believe that when I see it!
A dragon is just a dragon until he faces you. Then he is Mr. Dragon.
A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines.
A good place to start is where you are.
A good shot is a man who can control his trigger.
A kick in the butt is a step forward.
A lie is most convincingly hidden between two truths.
A man attempting to walk around the world, drowned today.
A masterly retreat is in itself a victory.
A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
A mountain is Nature's way of silence.
A philosopher has a problem to fit every solution.
A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other bad habits.
A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
A terrible thing happened again last night - nothing.
All colors will agree in the dark.
All progress depends on the unreasonable man.
All sentences that seem true should be questioned.
All solutions breed new problems.
Always be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Always put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
Always try to drive so that your license will expire before you do.
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
Be careful what you take with you into your old age.
Be careful with water - it's full of Hydrogen and Oxygen.
Be interesting rather than exact.
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
Be thankful you're not a giraffe with a sore throat.
Be tolerant of different opinions, they have a right to be ridiculous.
Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so.
Be yourself - If you don't, who else will?
Beautiful redheads don't bother me ... I wish they would.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Been through hell? Great ... what did you bring me?
Before I couldn't spell engineer, now I are one!
Before you can make a Friend you must first meet a Stranger.
Before you find a handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Being defeated is a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
Best way to prevent a hangover is to stay drunk.
Better a coward for a minute than dead forever.
Better be patient on the road than a patient in the hospital.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Big lie: I'd love to see that other box of vacation slides.
Biology - the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
Perfection is achieved when there is nothing left to take away.
Calm waters often conceal sharks.
Calorie: a unit of measure for how good food tastes.
To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I'd like to change my sex. From no to yes.
I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.
To be frank, would involve changing my name.
Nostalgia. It's not what it used to be.
The last chapter should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end.
I'm about to take a hot shower. That's like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I hate it when I'm singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
I've been waiting so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flayer to my chest.
I wish some conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I like to make weird faces in photos because it’s better to look ugly on purpose.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems. Unless you're fat.
A bargain usually isn't.
Never trust anyone whose suit is nicer than your own.
I only visit Reality as a tourist.
Reality happens when you can't make it to the bathroom.
Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Earthquake. Shift happens.
Riding your bike on ice is not as exciting as planning it.
Right now would be a good time to postpone everything.
Always pretend to know more than you do.
If we all end up in prison for illegal music downloads, I hope they divide us by music genres.
Best friends don't let you do stupid things ... Alone.
Don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.
I hate cultural clichés. They're all so stupid. Stupid, fat, and lazy.
God created the world in 7 days? Well it took 9 months to create me, so clearly I'm a big deal.
Are dads allowed to have posters in their rooms?
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I don't even know where sandwiches live.
If your cat really loved you it would be a dog.
Young and foolish I was. Now I'm no longer young.
Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you're stupid.
If the entire world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for an hour. Followed by a global food shortage.
It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without violence.
Dear sleep, I'm sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back.
It's really hard to find the right person, especially when the wrong ones are so hot.
Yawning is our body's way of saying: 10% of battery remaining.
If you can say these 4 words fast out loud, you're a genius: 1) Eye 2) Yam 3) Stew 4) Peed
What is the worst way to respond to "I love you"? "Message seen at 3:24"
5 people who think I'm attractive: 1. My mom 2. 3. 4. 5.
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit. They're usually around 90 degrees.
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Unicorns can't fly. I can't fly. Therefore, I am a unicorn.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! - Librarians arguing.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people. We haven't met yet.
When butterflies get nervous, do they feel humans in their stomach?
One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
Weird ... Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.
When to eat avocado: not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, aaand it's gone.
Are oranges named orange because they're orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Multitasking: An excuse to do multiple things wrong all at once.
I decided to become a superstar. Starting with super I ate the whole box of cookies.
Life is fair because it is unfair to everybody.
I wish there was something between us. Like a wall.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
The bags under my eyes are Prada.
If an infinite number of parallel universes exist, there must be a universe where parallel universes don't exist.
I buy Extra Slutty Olive Oil to save money.
All you'll get if you pick my pocket is practice.
Support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.
Of course I want to hear your story! Let's start at the end.
You wrestle with your demons, I'm going to drink with mine.
We will continue having meetings everyday until I find out why no work is getting done around here.
Most people have never used a semi-colon that wasn't part of a winking emoticon.
I don't believe in divorce. I do, however, believe in boating accidents.
Your password must contain at least 8 letters, a capital, a plot, a protagonist with good character development & a happy ending.
I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm correct.
I’m out of excuses. Will you accept a lie?
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 16.
Don't be afraid to tell people what you think. Just be sure to ascribe it to someone else.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Nothing (noun) - Obviously something, just keep asking.
If you see someone crying, ask if it is because of the haircut.
Introverts unite! Separately in your own homes.
Follow your heart, but when it starts to shit all over your life, follow your brain.
With my luck, if I someday play in an adult movie, I'd be a husband leaving for work.
I procrastinate so much I'll probably put off death and never die.
I already know what I want to be when I get older ... younger!
I wasn't planning on ruining your day. I just got lucky.
You trust the bank to hold all of your money yet they don't trust you with their pens.
Throwing money at your problems won't work. Unless I'm one of them.
All I know for sure is one of us is right and one of us is you.
Our names look so cute together in this restraining order.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me a loser.
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how ... - TEN! ... impatient are you?
I get ignored so much I should be called Terms and Conditions.
The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
It's Groundhog Day, but enough about the school lunch menu.
Mirrors don't lie. And, lucky for me, they don't laugh either.
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.
Wife renewed me for another season.
If animals don't want to be eaten why are they made of food?
The brain works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.
People used to laugh to me when I'd say I want to be a comedian. Well, nobody's laughing now.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
The only way anti-ageing products could stop you getting older is if a truck carrying them hits you and you die.
No wisdom for you!
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
If it's too good to be true, do check if it isn't.
Me: will I find true love? Ouji Board: A R E Y O U H U N G R Y Me: dammit grandma not now!
Passive voice should be avoided at all costs. Goddamnit.
Either the trampoline goes or I go! It ... was ... nice ... knowing ... you ...
Homeopathic doctors threaten five-second strike.
Where are the books about paranoia? Behind your back!
And what would you say is your greatest strength? Yes. What? Sorry, I thought you asked if I was listening.
You have my attention but it's already planning its escape.
Why do you want to be a librarian? I like telling people to be quiet.
I don't need fun to have alcohol.
Hallmark has birthday cards out already, and it's not anywhere near my birthday.
I cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.
My review of the sun: one star.
My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
I'd love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter but I'm not that good at emojis.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
I need an Instagram filter that makes it look like I went outside.
Dog 1: Hey! I'm a dog! Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog! Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren't going to believe this ...
I love what you've done with the truth.
The flat Earth society has members all around the globe.
There are roughly 4200 religions. Some say that 4199 are false. Some say 4200 are false.
I love making detailed sketches of animals, but I draw a line at snakes.
During labor, the pain is so great, that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a cold.
I never finish anyth
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day. Throw a man of the plane and he flies for the rest of his life.
Matter tells space how to curve, space tells matter how to move.
- Denial is the first stage of ... - No, it isn't.